Everything I’ve written so far has been, I hope, very balanced and positive. But let’s get real here. Just over four months ago I was applying for Deputy Head jobs, we were looking for a new home and planing a trip to Iceland so I could fulfil my dream of going there and riding an Icelandic pony.
Now, I don’t know if I will ever work again, we can no longer as a consequence afford the dream home we wanted and Iceland is out of the question given I couldn’t manage a night in Cardiff! So yeah, every now and again balance gets thrown out the window and anger and frustration takes hold – what normal person wouldn’t feel that way in my circumstance!?
A few days ago I came across a woman called Louise Harding* who is putting together a book of letters from M.E. sufferers. Initially the idea was for people to write a letter to somebody who they felt had treated them badly or misunderstood them e.g. a GP. The idea has now morphed into a letter to anyone or anything including the illness itself.
I decided to spontaneously write a letter, sending her whatever came out through my finger tips. This is my letter.
Dear World or whomever this is suitable for!
I get so angry with you sometimes, why have you given me this thing that I don’t understand, that the world doesn’t seem to understand? I want to know what it is that makes me feel this way, I want to be able to slap it across the face and say how bloody dare you! What gave you the right to do this to me? Who the hell do you think you are?
There is no point in being angry with you though is there? There is no point in trying to find answers that just aren’t there. I’m in the situation I’m in because I’m in it and for the moment I can’t change it.
I will fight this, don’t think for a second I won’t! I’m going to keep on enjoying my life, even though I will pay for it physically when I do.** I will continue to love all those around me who show me such boundless support and I will ignore those that don’t.
This is an opportunity, I will not let this destroy me life, I will only let it point me in a new direction.
So yeah, sometimes world or whoever the hell this should be directed at, I cry, so what the hell does that matter. Most of the time, I stay strong and I try not to let M.E. define me.
You go annoy somebody else, I’ve had enough of you now,
I could worry about feeling this way, I know my husband and family do. I know how distressing my husband finds it to wake up in the middle of the night to find me crying my eyes out. I know he worries that I get more upset than I show him (actually not the case).
On the otherhand, isn’t anger just a stage in the grieving process? Surely, it is ok for me to grieve the life that I have probably lost forever – for even a clean bill of health will make me reflect differently on my life. Surely without anger it would not be possible to deal with the great changes in my life.
I’m lucky though, not a member of my family or my friends are unsupportive. I have someone to share my feelings with. I don’t have to internalise my anger, I can express it freely. More and more I find I have dealt with it, the anger is subsiding although it still rears it’s ugly head sporadically! I suspect my husband wishes it didn’t always rears it at 4 in the morning!
Hmm, maybe even in anger I can find balance and positivity!
* If you have M.E. And want to write her a letter, contact her at this address: firstname.lastname@example.org. All profits from the sale of her book will go to Invest in M.E.
** I of course do try and pace myself and my saying I will enjoy myself even though I will pay for it – that’s not advisable 🙂 I plan my times to enjoy myself, in order to minimise its impact. In reality, I should avoid all occasions where I might later pay for it! However, I believe to do that would have an emotional impact on me greater than the physical impact. Many may disagree! It is a tightrope all sufferers have to traverse.