Family

Sometimes with this illness you are faced with challenging decisions that have a direct impact on your health. Those decisions I've noticed usually revolve around having a semblance of a 'normal' life. Sometimes the decision is easy, your health must come over everything, at other times it is more challenging.

I personally feel that having a semblance of a life is crucial to my health. Without it, I believe the slide into isolation and introspection could so easily begin. So every weekend I like to try and meet some friends for a drink at our local pub (bless them, they are happy to go out of there way to meet me somewhere local) or go for a short dinner. This has to be prepared for by a day in bed in advance and often a day in bed the next day. If done properly, there isn't such significant pay back that it no longer becomes worth it.

This weekend however I was shown just how important having a semblance of a life is. I was also shown although this illness forces me to consider it every moment of every day, life continues irrespective. It was my aunt and uncle’s 50th wedding anniversary. They were holding a big party in the New Forest in the south of England. My mum and dad flew over for the occasion. My mum, 50 years ago, had been their bridesmaid.

My aunty, although delighted that I wanted to come, was concerned as to whether it was a good idea. This, however, in my opinion is where having a semblance of a life becomes incredibly important. My husband has taught me in the years since we met just how important family is. He has taught me that being there for your family is one of the most important things you can do. So, I was not going to miss it, I didn't mind if I had to have a week in bed if it meant I could do something for my aunt and uncle that would make them feel happy.

My mum was the youngest of 12 and I have 100s of cousins (only a very slight exaggeration). My identity is greatly influenced by this huge Hogan clan. It was with great sadness therefore that we learnt that my uncle, Liam, the oldest of my mother’s brothers and sisters died unexpectedly on Friday night. My decision to go to the party suddenly became even more important. It was a hard night and day for my mum and aunt and anything I could do to support them mattered. For once, I turned off my need to pace and turned on my need to be there for them.

I don’t know if I singularly made a difference to my aunt's night. I do know her being able to look around and see her children, grandchildren and her niece (who was also bridesmaid to her daughter) will have made her happy. I am pleased that I could be part of that.

Sometimes though we are faced with challenging decisions that challenge us because it is emotionally hard to say no. My uncle will be buried today in Ireland and I couldn't even for a second consider going. It would have involved a flight, a taxi, a train, an overnight with my parents, a drive across Ireland, then the standing at the funeral, a meal with my family and then the reverse of the journey home. I would have collapsed and been a burden on my mum just when she didn't need it. I find it very sad that there was no decision to be made but I will be there for my family albeit at a distance.

So I plan, for as long as I am able, to be there for my family when it counts and when I will be able to plan in advance how I will physically do it. This will mean that I won't always be able to be there for them e.g. a funeral where I would just be a burden. I'm lucky, my extended family are just incredibly grateful for my even expressing a wish to do something, I know they will understand when I say I can't.

I keep returning to a thought that saddens me beyond words. As my husband said yesterday, it is only when you compare yourself to other families that you realise just how supportive and caring your own family is. Yet daily I read stories about M.E. patients abandoned by friends and family because they 'can't come out to play' or because it was felt they should have been there at for example a family wedding irrespective of their health.

A lady wrote yesterday on an M.E. forum that today she won't get a Mothers Day card because her daughter doesn't believe she is really ill, that she is putting M.E. on, her daughter no longer speaks to her. That saddened me so much. For surely, even if her mother was 'putting it on', her daughter no matter how hard it was should still be there for her. As somebody else said, "even mental health patients deserve respect."

So today I am incredibly grateful that despite having to make challenging decisions in relation to my family, I do not have to make them in fear that they will abandon me. This support gives me the chance I need to get back to good health.

30ish of the Hogan clan cousins!

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2 thoughts on “Family”

  1. Such a poignant piece. I live within my box putting family/friends first, then my writing, and lastly silly housework. ME has taught me to know what is important in my life and although I’m faced with decisions such as can I go somewhere, I too believe in trying when I’m able to. Sorry to hear of your loss and your inability to attend. But gladdened to hear of your supportive family. Support goes such a long way in this misunderstood illness.

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  2. You are so right. Sometimes it’s important to do something ‘normal’ even if we suffer for it afterwards as these are the memories and experiences that we cling to in the hard times and that help make life worth living. Equally though we need to know when something is just too much and when we have to take a step back for the sake of our own health and the people who care for us, regardless of what other people might think of us for it. Either way, they are often hard decisions to make but it sounds like you are making sensible choices.

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