Unbridled Expectations

One cannot understand anything unless one is determined and indeed wants to understand. It is easy to put on the blinkers and only look in the one direction you want to. For months that one direction was denial. Denial that I was ill, denial that I had to accept the limitations that this illness put on both my body and life.

IMG_0002.JPG

There were times when I eased the blinkers off slightly, looked around in fragile acceptance before quickly jamming them back on and once again refusing to look in any direction other than that where it appeared I was in full health.

Over time the clasps on the blinkers aged and all it took was a gentle knock before they fell away revealing my true situation. I was very ill and I had to accept all the limitations this illness placed on me or I would never get better. Refusing / being unable to accept this for so long had had a detrimental impact on my health. Being able to accept this enabled me to stabilise and then to begin to make very slow progress.

IMG_0003.JPG

As regular readers will know, early September I was rediagnosed and given a new treatment plan all connected to breathing correctly. The change in my health was exceedingly rapid. The true joy came not in my improving health but the corresponding improvement in my lifestyle. No longer did i have to seriously limit time spent with friends, no longer could I only walk down the road and back, no longer did I experience the debilitating pain I had dealt with for 9 months. Once again I felt free and invincible.

Invincibility however does not prevent the acquisition of new blinkers, stronger ones that won’t age and fall away so easily. Where previously the blinkers had prevented me from seeing just how ill I was, these new blinkers prevented me from realising that I am not super woman: there is a limit to what I am able to achieve.

I was so determined to relish my new-found freedom that I forgot the basic fact that I had been / was very ill. It is no surprise therefore after a few weeks of going to the gym every day, socialising with friends and finally towards the end returning to work that I began to see some of my progress slip away from me. I am still a million times better than I was even 3 months ago but I am not as well as I was a month ago.

My husband said he feels like it is back at the very early stages of my illness where I had no clue how to handle it. Where I was still blindly believing that I could exercise myself to good health, that staying out with friends for too long was okay because being social was more important.

This time however it took us both some time to realise that I was messing up. How could I be getting it so wrong when for so many months I had so carefully and so effectively managed my illness? How was it possible that the lessons I had learnt from that time could be forgotten so easily?

The answer is painful but relatively easy. I allowed myself to believe nay told myself I was no longer ill. While I still believe it is likely that I am no longer ill, I now realise that the process of recuperation doesn’t happen over night. The person who is declared cancer free is not one day ill and the next day totally fine. The person who is declared cancer free has many months of recuperation in front of them. With no one to direct me however I didn’t even consider this reality. I felt fine so surely that meant I was fine!

It is now I think about all those naysayers who read my blog and then warned me that by increasing my activity level I was inevitably going to make myself bedbound for life. That trying to do more was simply wrong. I think about them now not because I totally agree with them but rather if I soften their warnings a little – they are right. I have no doubt that unless I continue to carefully manage what I do, I will end up continuing to go backwards until I eventually reach the level I was six months ago or god forbid worse. Exercise and activity is not bad – in fact it is crucial to my continuing health. Unbridled expectations however are exceedingly dangerous, far too dangerous to dare go near.

IMG_0004.JPG

Once again I wish there was this magic person who could look at my life – how much work I have to do, how much exercise I want to do, how much socialising I want to do and how much down time I need and help me pace myself. However, given this person didn’t exist when I was desperately ill and floundering wildly, I very much doubt this person exists for me now. So I have put my husband, my family, my boss and all my friends on Karenwatch. Their job: spot when they think I am overdoing it and order me (not advise me) to stop, reduce what I am doing – think about it a bit more.

3 thoughts on “Unbridled Expectations”

  1. I am very guilty of putting those blinkers on too and completely understand the appeal of doing it. This was all very familiar to me and has served as a little reminder to make my expectations a little more realistic… I need some people on Fayewatch too!

    Faye
    freckles&all

    Like

  2. We all have to pace ourselves every single day, every hour, and take care of ourselves. You can do things, go out, see friends, mildly exercise. But you always have to strategize and figure out how much you can do and when you will “aggressively rest.” And listen to your body and your symptoms. If they start to flare up, stop and rest. Don’t push it.
    I have a lot of experience with overdoing it. It takes me three days to recover from overdoing it in some ways, longer if I really overdo it.
    We all want to achieve, to do, to be out in the world — to live our lives. That is our goal.
    But we have this constant illness nagging at us, and we have to think through every plan, every
    trip, every action and build in rest every day. And we have to think through ways to cut back on
    nonessential tasks and errands and activity — and do things the easier way to conserve energy.
    It’s a constant juggling act.

    Like

How do you feel about this topic? Do any of its ideas resonate with you? I'd love to know your thoughts! K

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s